Practice Self-Acceptance (by Gini Grey)

Before I write anything else I must make very clear that this is not my blog.

Some years ago I came across a blog by a woman called Gini Grey. This particular post spoke volumes to me, so much so that I copied and pasted the text and saved it as a word document on my PC at work. Cleaning up my PC I came across it this week and found the message as profound as I had back then.

Ginigrey.com's website seems to have disappeared and her Twitter account (@DailyInsights) has been inactive since 2011.

Gini, I hope it is okay to resurrect your post on "practicing self-acceptance" here and now. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing - Thank you!

Practice Self-Acceptance When You Feel Unaccepted 

When you practice self-acceptance it doesn’t matter if you’re not accepted by family.

It would be wonderful if each and every one of us was fully accepted by our family for who we are, what we do, and what we believe in (even if they don’t agree). But unfortunately, many parents and siblings feel they have the right to judge, criticize and advise family members who stray from the path according to their world view.

It’s as though they fear that their world will crumble if the rest of the clan doesn’t act, think, and feel the way they do. Yet in reality, it is our uniqueness that makes us special and creates richness in the world. When family supports us to be our authentic selves, forgives us for our mistakes, and loves us unconditionally, we feel accepted.

So what can you do when you feel unaccepted by family? You can practice self-acceptance. Accepting yourself and your life choices even when others don’t is imperative for living a life of joy and freedom. Without self-acceptance, other people’s opinions become bigger than you; taunting, shaming, or swaying you to make decisions that aren’t a natural fit. When you honor your values, beliefs, gifts and talents, you speak your truth, follow your dreams, and allow others to do the same.

Self-acceptance leads to acceptance of others, which creates a ripple effect into the world. So begin by accepting yourself and your life choices. Here are suggestions on how to do this.

Trust your heart and soul. If you listen to your heart and soul for guidance on what path to follow you will never be led astray. No one knows what’s best for you except you. When your mind becomes concerned about others’ judgments or rejection, tune into your higher self and trust your heart and soul’s truth.

Refuse to take on invalidation. A person will only feel the sting of invalidation if they take it on. Don’t take your family members’ opinions personally. In reality their judgments have less to do with you and more to do with their own beliefs, programming, conditioning, fears, regrets and insecurities. Stand firm in your life choices and let others deal with their own triggers and reactions.

Stay amused and in a state of non-resistance. What we resist persists, so the minute you tense up against another’s non-accepting tone, comment or behavior, they’ve got you. In order to be bigger than your family’s judgments it helps to be in a state of non-resistance and amusement. Stay relaxed, see the humor in their small mindedness, and remember what’s truly important to you.

Recognize what’s behind others’ judgments. Instead of being hurt or offended by a family member’s judgment of your lifestyle, beliefs, talents or career choices, look at what’s behind the judgment. Judgments come from fear not love. A man raised in the depression era who frets about his children’s financial security will discourage his son from pursuing a career in arts or entertainment. A woman may criticize her husband’s growing interest in a new hobby because she’s worried it will take time away from their relationship. A woman may snicker at her sister’s personal growth journey because she’s concerned they’ll drift apart. Recognizing others’ fears will bring out your compassion and ease the pain of judgment.

Surround yourself with supportive people. Cultivate friendships with people who can see and honor who you really are. Spend as much time as possible in the company of others who have high self-esteem, follow their dreams, and encourage you to do the same.

Love yourself unconditionally. When you fully love yourself, flaws and all, it’s less painful if others don’t accept you or your life choices. Find ways to express love to yourself on a daily basis. Nurture yourself, honor your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs, compliment yourself regularly, and focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Even just saying the simple phrase, “I accept myself” feels healing.

Visiting family

I spent the last four days in Germany, visiting my family. It was particularly special because my daughter came with me - her first trip to Germany in four years!

We had some fun with some German signs - such as the English notice on the lawn saying "Keep of the lawn" and the ice cream called "bum bum". We greatly enjoyed the weather, sitting by the edge of the Rhein in the breeze and eating copious ice cream. Why oh why do we not have spaghetti ice cream in England??

I also loved being with my mother. Our first proper visit since the funeral of her second husband six weeks ago.
Three generations of women bumbling around, enjoying each other's company, cooking, chatting, walking and visiting.

Although it was only a short visit and the over-night coach trip is a bit of an ordeal, it was worth every moment!
Bis zum nächsten Mal!

Change

My daughter has left to go to Bangladesh for three months. Her first time away from home.
Frankly, I don't quite know how to feel. Anxiety, pride, loss and a certain numbness all seemed to be rolled into one.

I will write more another time. For now I am holding on to this thought:

Leaving home

She is sitting at the kitchen table, absent-mindedly stirring her coffee. It is still dark outside and the house is quiet – at least another hour before anybody else is going to stir.

Weekend. Today is the day she has been preparing for for so long – and yet she feels entirely unprepared. Unprepared and filled with a certain amount of dread.

Today her daughter will be leaving for university. Her baby!

Suddenly the last 18 years seem to have evaporated into nothing.

She remembers times when life seemed to drag on, when she felt overwhelmed with the amount of work and responsibility and stress of parenting. Times when she secretly hoped that this time might end, her children leave home and she “get her life back”.

How foolish of her! What life had she wanted back, exactly?

Suddenly she is flooded with the clarity and understanding that this has been her life. Her family, her husband, her children ARE her life!

She remembers the day her daughter was born. Holding her in her arms for the first time. The difficult and stressful period for both of them, trying to get the hang of this breast-feeding thing – and then never looking back and enjoying the closeness and the bond of the nursing for the next year.

She remembers leaving her at the school on her first school day, and crying when she got home. As if deep down she knew that this was the first glimpse of the pain a mother feels when she lets her children go …

She remembers picnics in the park and holidays at the seaside.

She remembers the first bicycle and the tears and bruised knees that came with it.

She remembers sleepless nights and caring for her sick child.

She remembers cuddles on the sofa and songs in the garden.

She remembers arguments over homework and household chores.

She remembers … and she realises that they have been on a journey all along, and that this is only another step on this journey.

She looks into the darkened sitting room and her eye catches the sight of the packed bags and filled boxes. Not long now …

She hopes that despite the distance and the new life her daughter will be making for herself, they will still be friends and continue to share their lives as they unfold.

She hopes and prays that they have taught their daughter well, and that their teaching and love and protection has prepared for the world out there.

She prays.

The she hears a sound. A door opening and soft footsteps across the upstairs landing.

She gets up from the kitchen table, wipes her eyes and turn to put the kettle on.

Today is the day she has been preparing for for so long ...

Friends and signs of growth

Following my recent discussions with my husband, I have spoken to my friends at church to explain that I will be reducing the amount of time and energy I spend there. I am giving up my role on the church council. I have been blown away by how gracious and understanding and supportive people have been. True friends!


A good friend, who happens to be a pastor himself, gave me this counsel:

"It really is threatening to lose one's spouse to a God one doesn't personally believe even exists.

My own advice to you remains that despite the needs of your church, the people God has placed in your life are to be of your first concern.  That would be (in order) your family, your neighbours, your greater community, and extended ultimately to the world.  The church's role is to equip you for that ministry.

And as much as it is also important that you also help to equip others, doing so is not a substitute for the actual ministry you are entrusted with, beginning with your husband and your children.  Love on them as God loves them.  And let the Spirit guide you from there."

Sounds like good advice to me.

I am ready to move on!