12 years a Christian

Today is an anniversary for me - 12 years since I became a committed and practising Christian. I had been raised in a Roman Catholic family, but hadn't given religion an awful lot of thought since leaving home in my late teens.
I had met a life partner, had children, bought a house, gotten married (in that order) without religion in my life.
I had probably always believed in some greater being or force, but had not given it a name.
I had dabbled with paganism (I loved nature and the seasons, still do), flirted with Hinduism (I enjoyed Yoga, still do) and set foot inside a church once in a blue moon (I liked the peace and serenity, still do).

Then, in my mid-thirties, I had a conversion experience. One evening. Alone. In my kitchen.
It was a very personal and precious moment, so I am not going to blog about that. But I want to reflect on the last 12 years.

I started going to a lively evangelical free church - 'Bible-believing', 'spirit-filled', with energetic worship and long sermons. It took a pretty literal interpretation of scripture. Creationism wasn't openly mentioned, but seemed to be covertly implied; homosexuality was frowned upon (in the 'Hate the sin, but love the sinner' kind of way); women had an inferior role to their husbands.
I was never comfortable with those things, but for a long time felt I could hold that tension and accommodate the differences.

In the end it wasn't the differences in opinion which drew me away, but the fact that having different opinions was discouraged. If one had a question, there was only one answer - that of the pastor/leadership.

I can't function like that. In fact, the worst thing you can do is to tell me what I can/cannot believe.
Atheist friends have taught me that our convictions can only be our own. We hold them, we own them and - if we are honest with ourselves - we review them regularly.

I demand for myself an immense level of freedom. The freedom to mull things over and choose for myself my very personal path.
Some call that cherry picking. I call that being true to myself! :)

I find beauty and meaning in all sorts of religious and non-religious traditions, practices and ideas.
I have found a home (for now at least) in the Church of England in a church where nobody tells me what I can and cannot do, where I am respected and appreciated as I am and where the congregation is very active in social justice and in the local community.

Has becoming a Christian made me a different person? Yes and no.
Many of my values have always been there.
Genetically determined?
Implanted during childhood?
Willed by God?
Who knows.

But I find that my faith crystallises certain values out for me and has become a permanent framework to remind me to strive to be a better person. And yes, I believe to strive to become the person God wants me to be.
Principles like forgiveness, perseverance, grace and patience are things which my faith constantly calls me to do.
To not give in to bitterness, anger and cynicism.
To hold onto hope and trust and love. To believe in a better world and our (god-given) ability to build it.

My faith has changed over the years and it will no doubt continue to change. It seems to mature and become clearer and sharper. The more questions I ask and the more difficult conversations I have, the more I understand what it is I believe and why. The more comfortable I also become in being clear and honest about the many things I don't understand.

Despite it's tricky connotations, I have always found the description 'being born again' quite accurate.
Choosing to become a Christian and essentially follow the teachings of Jesus was a fresh beginning and a commitment for me. And one I have not regretted in 12 years.
If you are one of those people who have honed and sharpened my faith, I thank you for your companionship.

Whether you are a Christian or a follower of any other faith or none, I am glad to know you.

LGBT and church - facing new truths

At times in my life I gain a new insight or understanding, which impacts greatly on me and my life ... only, when I look back I realise that it is not new at all and I have known that particular thing for some time - but at arms length, from a distance, without really knowing it in my heart.

This year at Greenbelt my heart was truly opened to the treatment LGBT people receive in some churches and from some Christians.

This was my third Greenbelt festival and each time I blogged about it, I have mentioned LGBT people - Made in God's image and Life begins .So the issue has been tugging at my consciousness and conscience for a while ...

I have friends who are gay Christians, friends who have wanted to enter into church ministry and are not able to do so because of the relationships they are in. I have known this! Why have I not felt it until now?

This year at Greenbelt, not only did I attend the OuterSpace Eucharist (which has become a firm part of my festival experience), I also attended a number of panel discussions about the concept of marriage and whether LGBT people are a gift to the church, rather than a problem. Most importantly I listened to stories - stories by people who are forced by the church to choose between their calling to ministry and their calling to a loving relationship with another human being; stories by clergy who were severely sanctioned by the church for marrying the partner they love; stories by people who receive more love and compassion working in a supermarket chain than in the church they would love to serve ...
Most touching and amazing is the fact that again and again I heard people say "I do not want to leave the church", "Despite it's flaws and faults I love my church" and "I would not want to harm the church". People who say "I don't agree with outing gay bishops. We should not enter into that power game."

That blows me away!!

I have come away from Greenbelt to weigh this new understanding and knowledge, to pray about it, to read more and discuss more.
I have joined the Inclusive Church and asked for an information pack from the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement.
I am looking forward to the journey of learning more, understanding better and working out what is best to be done about it. I don't as yet know ... but I know there is work to be done!

What puzzles me most is that as Christians we believe we are made by God to be the best we can be. Unlike our atheist friends we don't think we are a chance combination of genes that give us certain attributes and abilities - we believe that God has made us in a deliberate and knowing and wonderful way!
We also believe that we are instructed to use those talents. To use them to build a better world - God's Kingdom on earth.
And we are meant to encourage, enable, empower, support and motivate others to do the same.
Don't we??

And then here is the church, the very institution which should encourage and empower us to use our gifts and talents, and it says to some of us "No, not  you ... God doesn't want your talents!"
Really??

Can I encourage you to find out about this topic?
To read, hear and listen?
To join groups, petitions and actions?

And most of all, keep those who are discriminated against because of their sexual orientation and those who are in the authority to make (and change) those decisions in your hearts and prayers.
And let them know that you do.

Here's to a church which loves and welcomes all unconditionally - regardless of race, gender, economic standing, (dis)ability and sexual orientation.
It's what God does.

Come and see!

Today in church we read the following passage from John's gospel: 

The next day John again was standing with two of his disciples, and as he watched Jesus walk by, he exclaimed, ‘Look, here is the Lamb of God!’ The two disciples heard him say this, and they followed Jesus. When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, ‘What are you looking for?’ They said to him, ‘Rabbi’ (which translated means Teacher), ‘where are you staying?’ He said to them, ‘Come and see.’ They came and saw where he was staying, and they remained with him that day. It was about four o’clock in the afternoon. One of the two who heard John speak and followed him was Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother. He first found his brother Simon and said to him, ‘We have found the Messiah’ (which is translated Anointed). He brought Simon to Jesus, who looked at him and said, ‘You are Simon son of John. You are to be called Cephas’ (which is translated Peter). - John 1:35-42 

I am struck by the words of Jesus: "What are you looking for?" and "Come and see".

What am I looking for in my faith? And have I been looking right?
I often feel that I want to be and do so many things in church and live my faith in that way ... but what about looking much closer to home and seeing the small things in my daily life - my own family, my work? What about living my faith there in everyday situations, rather than looking elsewhere beyond?

Today I took my camera and went for a walk. 
These are the things I found when I looked closer and took in the detail.

"Come and see!"

 

Just as I am

Last Sunday was the first time I went to church since I have given up my church commitments.

I went to the 8 am Communion service, because it is a small congregation I and knew I would not have to give too many explanations.

It was strangely humbling to come just as I am, without any role or commitment. Not as churchwarden or as reader or as member of the worship band. Instead coming to worship God, stripped down to simply who I am.

My church visit taught me two things:

1. Firstly, it reminded me that God sees me as I am all the time - no matter how many roles I give myself or how much importance other may give me ... He sees my heart and there is no hiding from him.
2. Secondly, I realised that my church family love me as I am - even when I do nothing to contribute to the running of the church and/or services.

I feel truly humbled.

Perhaps this journey will teach me more than I ever imagined. After all, God moves in mysterious ways ...

Noel!

Yesterday our church took part in the local lantern festival, which is a Christmassy but not necessarily religious event.

Here are our lanterns, spelling the word NOEL.The 'O' is in the shape of a Christingle.

 Here are other lanterns, made by other community groups and individuals.

There's a wideness in God's mercy

I am often surprised (and shocked) by the judgmental attitudes I come across in those who claim to believe in God. Only in the last week or so have I come across a number of explanations, which attributed the hurricane Sandy to God's punishment on mankind ... for (in no particular order) 1) proposed changes in US law on same sex marriage, 2) the anti-Islam film, which was recently made public and 3) not caring for our environment ...
So take your pick which one you think is most likely - but bear in mind that there might be many, many more of these theories out there ...

What strikes me about these theories is the zeal with which people are assured that God is on 'their side' and fighting for 'their causes'.

So it soothed my heart to sing this hymn in church this morning. "There's a wideness in God's mercy" is a hymn, which was written by Frederick Faber in 1854.

I loved these two verses especially:

For the love of God is broader
Than the measure of our mind;
And the heart of the Eternal
Is most wonderfully kind. 

But we make His love too narrow
By false limits of our own;
And we magnify His strictness
With a zeal He will not own.

Here it is sung by the Choir of St Paul's Cathedral, London:

Greenbelt - OuterSpace Eucharist

Over the August Bank Holiday weekend I joined a group of church friends to camp at the Greenbelt festival at the Cheltenham Racecourse. Greenbelt is a Christian arts, faith and justice festival, which has been going for 39 years. This year's theme was Paradise Lost and Found.

I had an amazing time. So much to see and do! Talks on the environment; on ethical economics; on Muslim-Christian interfaith action; on an atheist's perspective of hope ...  much fun and fellowship with old friends and new ... Yoga in the morning; morning prayer with the Franciscan monks; Sunday Communion service with 15,000 fellow believers; sitting in silence with the Quakers; an Anglican charismatic Evensong ... live music; street performers and foraging for tea ...

The most memorable event of all was probably the communion service held by OuterSpace, a group of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered) Christians, and their family and friends. It is a group which is committed to the Church and to helping everyone find their way in the Church, no matter what their background.

I had decided to go along, because I wanted to stand with my homosexual brothers and sisters. I am aware of the continuing theological discussions and debates about homosexuality - but all that aside I wanted to show my love and support by sharing the bread and wine with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

On the evening before I had talked with another friend and we had pondered how a 'gay communion service' may be different from any other. "Perhaps it is more flamboyant" my friend mused, thereby throwing us both headlong into a fine stereotype which heterosexual people have of homosexual ones ... and I began to expect something like the Gay Pride of eucharists.

On the morning, as I entered the venue and left my muddy wellies at the door (did I mention it was a very muddy weekend??), I looked around the hundred or so people sitting on the floor. Not a stiletto or a false eyelash in sight!
What I saw was a group of ordinary people, and - apart from those who were clearly couples by their body language, how close they sat or how they related to each other - there was no telling as to who was and who wasn't ...

So how then was this service different to other communion services I have been to?

The answer is simply that it was the most gentle and welcoming and healing communion service I have ever been to!
By the words of the service and their tenderness, and by the warmth and encouragement in which they were spoken I understood something about the people who were present.
I understood that amongst the congregation gathered in this special service, there were people who had never told anybody in their own church about their sexual orientation for fear of repercussions; there were people who had left their church (or perhaps even their faith) because of the treatment they had received; there were people for whom this OuterSpace service once a year is the only time they can be truly themselves, without fear and worry ...
I understood something about the fragility and vulnerability of being a homosexual in a Christian church ...
And it filled me with great sorrow and sadness.

For me too, this Greenbelt weekend was something I will really cherish. For reasons which do not relate to my sexual orientation, this was a time of great freedom and liberty. The freedom not to have to curb my spiritual desires and appetite, to go out and try, taste and experience God's presence in abundance!
It was a time to spread my spiritual wings and to SOAR!

So my heart went out to my LGBT brothers and sisters. Nobody should have to hide who they truly are, or even have to pretend to be somebody else!

If in our churches there are people who have never felt able to show who they really are, people who sit in our pews and pretend to be somebody else, then we are failing as a church! Whether on account of sexuality or different ethnic, social or racial backgrounds, we should invite and empower people to be themselves and to bring who they are into the church community.

Instead of expecting people to 'become like us' before we welcome them into our community, we should say "You are different from me. Tell me about that. What can I/we do to make you feel welcome here?"

Let me end by sharing the prayer of the confession of sins, which was used in the OuterSpace service, and which really speaks for itself:

You made us to be one family,

yet we have divided humanity,

Lord, have mercy.

You were born a Jew to reconcile all people, 

yet we have brought disharmony amongst races.

Christ, have mercy.

You rejoice in our differences,

yet we make them a cause of bad feeling.

Lord, have mercy.

Thank you, OuterSpace, for a wonderful service.

Snow

Finally we've had some snow. The first this winter, which - compared to last year - has been very mild so far.

Plenty fell overnight, although most of it has melted by now.
I managed to take a few pictures on my way to church this morning, before the melt began.

Friends and signs of growth

Following my recent discussions with my husband, I have spoken to my friends at church to explain that I will be reducing the amount of time and energy I spend there. I am giving up my role on the church council. I have been blown away by how gracious and understanding and supportive people have been. True friends!


A good friend, who happens to be a pastor himself, gave me this counsel:

"It really is threatening to lose one's spouse to a God one doesn't personally believe even exists.

My own advice to you remains that despite the needs of your church, the people God has placed in your life are to be of your first concern.  That would be (in order) your family, your neighbours, your greater community, and extended ultimately to the world.  The church's role is to equip you for that ministry.

And as much as it is also important that you also help to equip others, doing so is not a substitute for the actual ministry you are entrusted with, beginning with your husband and your children.  Love on them as God loves them.  And let the Spirit guide you from there."

Sounds like good advice to me.

I am ready to move on!

Poverty & Homelessness Action Week 2012

Poverty & Homelessness Action Week 2012 will run from 28 January to 5 February.

Father, we thank you that Jesus came to break down barriers. He did not see the migrant or the settled, the housed or the homeless, the employed or the unemployed; He saw and loved the person. Forgive us when we put up barriers between ourselves and others; help us show love to all without constraint. Help us, your church, to build communities without barriers, where all are valued because all are made in your image. In Jesus’ name, Amen

For more information click here.

Bedford

Our wedding anniversary is tomorrow, but today is the day the children are at school and we have the day to ourselves - so we spent it exploring Bedford. It's a place we normally drive through to go elsewhere, but we have never spent any time visiting.

We visited St Paul's church and the John Bunyan Museum, where we received a brilliant guided tour by a delightful elderly man.

We also spent a little while looking at our old friend, the river Great Ouse - looking wider and grander than it does further West.

Unfortunately the weather wasn't great, but it was lovely spending a quiet day together.

My church family

I am grateful and feel privileged to be part of a wonderful church community, which aims to worship God and serve the local community at the same time (after all, when we serve our neighbours, do we not serve God too?) 

We provide breakfast on a Saturday morning, and everybody is welcome. A couple of homeless guys are amongst the regulars.

At the same time we are a collection point for Food Bank, a UK charity which works in conjunction with health and social services to provide food parcels to people in financial difficulties.

I feel very welcomed and accepted into my church family. Being part of the Body of Christ truly is like being part of a great family!

The more welcomed and accepted I feel, the more my desire grows to reach out and make others feel the same; be they friends or strangers.

Perhaps the love of God is best felt, when it comes from fellow human beings ...?

Just as God loves us, so we should love each other.

Just as God forgives us, so we should forgive each other.

Just as God protects us, so we should look out for and protect each other.

I thank God for having brought me this far on my faith journey! I thank him for having brought me to my church community. I pray that he will continue to nurture me and mature me in my faith, and that he will use me for the purpose he has intended for me ... and I pray that I will never lose sight of it!

Thank you, Lord.

i-church

I attend my local Anglican church, and I value it greatly. As well as worshipping God people there have a heart to serve the community, and it is great to be a part of that!

However, there is also a small online community, which I am a member of.

People from different churches and none come together to share their thoughts and views, and talk about their faith.

Here is what i-church says about itself:

i-church is an online Christian community
based on Benedictine principles.

i-church was founded by the Diocese of Oxford in the UK
but has members all over the world.

This is the Gatehouse,
where you will find information about us and our activities,
and links to other parts of i-church.

The Courtyard
is the place where we interact with the world - our public forums.
We would love you to join us.

Perhaps you will come and join us ... just follow the links and see for yourself ...