Just as I am

Last Sunday was the first time I went to church since I have given up my church commitments.

I went to the 8 am Communion service, because it is a small congregation I and knew I would not have to give too many explanations.

It was strangely humbling to come just as I am, without any role or commitment. Not as churchwarden or as reader or as member of the worship band. Instead coming to worship God, stripped down to simply who I am.

My church visit taught me two things:

1. Firstly, it reminded me that God sees me as I am all the time - no matter how many roles I give myself or how much importance other may give me ... He sees my heart and there is no hiding from him.
2. Secondly, I realised that my church family love me as I am - even when I do nothing to contribute to the running of the church and/or services.

I feel truly humbled.

Perhaps this journey will teach me more than I ever imagined. After all, God moves in mysterious ways ...

Icy patches

Being a keen runner, running has always been a great analogy for my faith journey. It teaches so much about endurance and perseverance, about pushing on and not giving up.

The apostle Paul spoke about "running a good race" and "obtaining the prize", but I wonder how much he knew about running on snow and ice?

Today much of the snow had melted and frozen over again, making the paths and pavements treacherous in parts.
I decided to drive to the nearby woods in the hope that the paths may be less well trodden there. Much of the paths were compacted snow, which was fairly easy to run on. But then there were parts of deep snow, stretches of ice and the occasional patch of bare tarmac.

It took much care and concentration to run in those conditions. Depending on the condition of the ground I had to constantly adjust my speed and my stride.

It got me thinking that my faith journey is really like that. Just as I was able to adjust to the road conditions, I should be more sensitive and adjust to my home situation when it comes to moving on in my faith journey. Sometimes I can run steadily, sometimes even sprint at great speed. But at other times I have to slow right down, perhaps even stop or find a different route altogether. Sometimes I am at risk of slipping and falling.

So it seems not so much about winning the race, but to persevere in it; to reach the goal, no matter how hard it seems.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. (Hebrews 12:1) 

I don't know about winning the race, but I am hoping to finish it and obtain the prize. One day I want to be able to say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
(2 Timothy 4:7)




So far I am slip-sliding along quite nicely ...

Without the children

This week my husband and I did something we have not done in a very long time, in 18 years to be precise. We went away over-night, just the two of us!  Now, our children are not little anymore - 15 and 18. And yet it seemed a big step to leave them alone at home for a couple of days

We had decided to try what we used to do before we had children: a long bike ride, followed by a night's camping in our little two-person-tent. Now, we are not twenty any more ... but that's no reason not to try!
So we packed our gear, checked our bikes, instructed our children, asked the neighbours to keep an eye, and off we went!

Strangely, I also wondered what it would be like, spending so much time alone with my husband. Would we be bored with each other? Or would we spend the time arguing?
We did neither!
It was wonderful to spend time together, cycling quietly, struggling and supporting each other up those unexpected hills, setting up camp together and sleeping (slightly uncomfortably) in that tiny tent.

All too soon our time was over and we headed back home.
All was well at home. (I think the children quite enjoyed their parent-free time too!)
Will we do it again? You bet!!

Friends and signs of growth

Following my recent discussions with my husband, I have spoken to my friends at church to explain that I will be reducing the amount of time and energy I spend there. I am giving up my role on the church council. I have been blown away by how gracious and understanding and supportive people have been. True friends!


A good friend, who happens to be a pastor himself, gave me this counsel:

"It really is threatening to lose one's spouse to a God one doesn't personally believe even exists.

My own advice to you remains that despite the needs of your church, the people God has placed in your life are to be of your first concern.  That would be (in order) your family, your neighbours, your greater community, and extended ultimately to the world.  The church's role is to equip you for that ministry.

And as much as it is also important that you also help to equip others, doing so is not a substitute for the actual ministry you are entrusted with, beginning with your husband and your children.  Love on them as God loves them.  And let the Spirit guide you from there."

Sounds like good advice to me.

I am ready to move on!

Anniversary

Today we have been married for 11 years. Add to that the 13 years we lived together before we married, and we have been together for 24 years!

It has not always been easy, and we do have our differences - but even in times of difficulties I know that we are good together and that we complement each other!

I am not a great one for writing poems, but on this occasion I have tried to put my feelings into words.

Walking together

sometimes pulling away

sometimes walking in unison

Maturing together

sharing life's experiences

united

Enjoying the sense of myself

but finding completeness with you