Nationality, identity and being an angry Brit

9 months ago I wrote "How I became a Brit with a German passport, and why I no longer am", just as I was considering taking more serious step towards permanent residence and eventually citizenship.
My final paragraph read "It may just be that applying for British citizenship is my safest bet to ensure my future in this country. But I fear that even if I apply for and obtain citizenship, I will never feel British again in the same way I did when I was a Brit with a German passport.", and that has definitely turned out to be the case.

It is done. 16 months after I first tentatively and half-heartedly started the process, I have finally become a British citizen.

Please don't congratulate me. I have all kinds of emotions, but joy and pride are not amongst them.

Yes, I feel a sense of RELIEF. It secures me a future in this country and it gives me rights I have never had before. I will be able to leave Britain for any length of time without having to worry about potential changes in immigration rules. And of course I can vote!

I also feel a lot of ANGER. Anger for having felt forced to take this step, but also anger on behalf of all my fellow EU citizens who cannot or don't want to become British citizens and on behalf of my British friends - young and not so young - who never wanted to lose their rights as EU citizens either.

I also feel a certain amount of SHAME, because I feel that I have become a British citizen for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps I had some romantic idealistic ideas of taking citizenship, but I never thought I would end up doing it out of sheer self-preservation! Many people I have spoken to have told me to just do the thing and not to worry about it, and that I was doing it for myself and no other reason.

The thing is, I have taken every step with resentment.

In the process of becoming a British citizen, I had to prove that I speak English and understand British culture. I have had to prove my monetary worth. They have recorded my voice, taken the biometrics of my facial features and my fingerprints. They have checked my coming and goings from this country, checked for criminal records, and have taken £1700 in the process.

The final step was to swear allegiance to Queen and country - something which many of my British friends tell me they would never do.

Feeling already chewed over and spat out by the Home Office, I met that final requirement too. It didn’t seem to matter any more. I promised to "be faithful to the Queen". What does that mean anyway? We weren't told, so I took it to mean that I should not attempt to seduce Prince Philip. Fair enough!

I also promised to abide by British laws and values. What the **** do they think I have been doing for the last 27 years?? 😒 I've never even had as much as a parking ticket or speeding ticket! (Although my husband reckons that’s almost certainly suspicious and gives the impression of someone trying to fly below the radar of the authorities... 😎 )

I feel that Britain definitely had the best of me, and has squandered it!

What's left of me is an bundle of anger and resentment.

Paradoxically Brexit is creating a new breed of British citizens, and I am one of them - those EU citizens who until the EU referendum trusted the great British public to do and vote the right thing ... and who have now decided to take matters in their own hands. After the treatment they have received from the media, the government and certain groups and individuals, they are a highly politicised bunch. They will not forget how they were treated, and the lukewarm promises they got from their MPs. They will not forget which MPs and parties voted against guaranteeing their rights in this country. They will not forget the remainder of the 3 million who are still living with anxiety and uncertainty. And they will not forget that they are European first and any specific nationality second.

Make no mistake, they will take an active role in shaping the future of this country!

So here I am. German by birth, British out of necessity and European by my identity of choice.

How I became a Brit with a German passport, and why I no longer am

The first time I came to Britain I was 15. I came on a three week student exchange to Ramsgate in 1981. What I took back with me was the memory of rows of identical Victorian terraced houses with differently coloured doors, Royal Wedding paraphernalia, a visit to London, cheese-and-onion crisps and, oh, cream teas!

The next time I came was following my A levels. I came for a year to work for a charity with learning disabled adults. I was quickly struck by the diversity in Britain which seemed to be in such a contrast to my native Germany back then. Growing up in fairly rural Germany the only non-Germans I had ever encountered were Turkish “Gastarbeiter” (guest workers), and even then they had been people I rarely actually came in contact with. They seemed to live in different places, move in different circles and go to different schools.

By comparison the Britain I encountered was vibrant and diverse, with people from different nationalities and ethnic backgrounds living and working and studying together, with cultures blending and merging along the way.

In short, I fell in love with the country. Incidentally, I also fell in love with an Englishman. Eventually we were to get married, have two children and make our life in England – but first I returned to Germany to train as an occupational therapist.

I came back to Britain newly qualified in 1990, this time to stay. I applied for three jobs and had three job offers. I started working in the NHS which I have done in a variety of settings and specialities ever since.

I eagerly embraced the British way of life. I never particularly held on to my German background, upheld German traditions at home or sought contact with fellow expats from Germany. For a long time I tried to lose my accent until I finally accepted that I probably never would and that it was OK to speak English with a foreign accent. I taught my children my mother tongue, but only fairly half-heartedly. Although they now have a basic understanding of German and have visited Germany fairly regularly over the years to stay in touch with family there, they both see themselves as British more than German.

I love Britain! I love the country with its varied countrysides and cities. I love the people, the English language and the British sense of humour. I have mastered the English language and no longer need to look for volunteers to explain countless puns and innuendos to me. I have a fair grasp on the humour thing although I may never fully get sarcasm…

In all those 26 years I never bothered applying for British citizenship. Firstly I wasn’t required to and secondly I never felt it necessary. As far as I was concerned I was already British. A Brit with a German passport!

Recently things seem to be shifting. In the run-up to and during the EU Referendum campaign we started to hear from a very different Britain.

Ask any German of my generation and they will probably confirm that we had it drummed into us to be vigilant against any individuals, groups or systems which try to single out minorities and outsiders to blame and scapegoat for wider problems in society, and which seek to divide society into “us” and “them”.

And here we are in Britain in 2016 where the Brexit campaign has openly blamed migrants for anything from the housing crisis to unemployment and pressures on the NHS. Where groups and individuals have been emboldened to spread xenophobia and racism. Where hate crimes are on the rise. Where even in government it has become acceptable to consider forcing companies to disclose their foreign staff, and where advice from experts on EU law is not welcome if those experts don’t hold a British passport.

Increasingly I find myself questioning whether this is still the Britain I so admired and fell in love with.

If Britain leaves the EU I no longer have automatic right to remain in this country. So together with 3.5 million EU citizens in he UK I am now weighing up my options:

I could do nothing and hope that common sense will prevail and I will be able to remain in this country – which seems risky and careless.

Or I could apply for British citizenship under Naturalisation, a process which is expensive, time-consuming and complicated – and which may mean I end up losing my German (and therefore European) citizenship.

Or I can explore my options of returning back to Germany – which, given that I have not lived in Germany for 26 years and never worked or paid taxes there, seems an unlikely solution.

It may just be that applying for British citizenship is my safest bet to ensure my future in this country. But I fear that even if I apply for and obtain citizenship, I will never feel British again in the same way I did when I was a Brit with a German passport.